there is no present tense

if only.
if only we could collapse all of NOW and exist in a future where it's all been said and done, it's time to assess, it's time to (re)build, it's time to be nostalgic.

i'm starting to do that already. i'm looking past the topography of IAF bombing and just assuming that suburbs and villages are obliterated. when is the moment when the destruction begins to be arbitrary? when it's a matter of 75 fuckin deaths and not 57?! when its the "bloodiest day" but who the fuck cares because tomorrow will tell me that more children are NOW corpses.

i'm angry. the media blitz, the political positioning we are all so familiar with began days ago. i participated in it. i'm not proud of that. but at one point it was necessary, and now it is arbitrary.

i rejected the laura ingram show today-- really lit into the production assistant-sleuth. my grandma blew her fuse when i told her they called: "i hate laura ingram! she's like that fox guy o'reilly who makes people sound like dummies. she's so republican!" i want to be like you when i'm 84, grandma.

what i mean to say is that i feel totally helpless in this present about being able to do anything for this present. i meant to compose a letter to congresspersons and circulate it around. i meant to contact humanitarian relief groups and look into coordinating fundraising efforts in my hometown. but then i started to read naharnet again and then a friend called, and my mom wants to go to lunch... and participation in systemic rituals seems meaningless.

what am i supposed to be doing right now?